The Lovely Lydia's Blog for April 2020

Lydia, have you ever wondered about why you're attracted to other women?

I've actually gotten this question many times -- some from people who were genuinely curious, and some from those who were being subtly homophobic. 

The answer is no. I've always been attracted to women, from the time I was a young girl, and that was simply the way it was. I can even remember the defining event: I was 6 years old and saw a music video on the telly -- "Lucky Star" by Madonna. I was too young to fully understand how Madonna made me feel when I watched her in that video, but I knew for sure, even at that age, that I found her very pretty. 

And that was that. Other girls liked boys, but I liked girls. I knew that was different from the norm, but I didn't wring my hands over it. 

My dad helped tremendously in that regard. He was a very kind and open-minded man, the most decent person I've ever known. His Quaker faith instilled in him the idea that God loved all his children equally and without exception. When I came out to him at age 12, he just smiled and said that if I'm gay, then that's the way God made me. He said he loved me no matter what and drew me into a hug. And yes, I understand how extraordinarily fortunate I was to have a dad like that, knowing that many parents kick out and even disown their kids for coming out. 

I've read all sorts of scientific theories over the years about what causes someone to be attracted to the same sex. I find them all very fascinating, although I don't rely on any of them to reinforce my identity or my orientation. I'm a woman attracted to female bodies, and that's simply the way it is.

But I genuinely feel for those who struggle. As I've previously shared, my ex-wife struggled greatly with her sexuality, having grown up in a conservative Catholic home in the American Midwest where she was expected to marry a man and have children. That's exactly what she did, but her first marriage blew up when she could no longer deny her attraction to women. Her entire life fell apart. Not only was being gay a sin to those who knew her, but she herself struggled with the idea that her female body was designed by God to fit together with a male body to reproduce and perpetuate the species. To her, the basic biology of the situation only reinforced the idea in her mind that her same-sex attraction was inherently wrong. By the time I met her, she'd worked through some of her conflicts and was declaring herself a lesbian to anyone who would listen. But in the end, she felt more bisexual than gay, which caused yet another existential and spiritual dilemma for her. My heart still hurts for her, and I hope she can find happiness.

Me? Well, it's plain as day that my female body is designed for receiving a man and for growing and feeding offspring. But that doesn't mean I'm obligated to use my body for those purposes, especially if I'm not sexually attracted to men and have no desire to reproduce. There are plenty of heterosexual women who can fulfil that role whilst I focus my attention on other beautiful women. For me, there's no ethical dilemma. I use my body to receive pleasure from other women and to give pleasure back to them. If I'm not using my body and my sex life for some divine and preordained "intended purpose," well, that's just too bad. I love women, I'm not ashamed of it, and there's no changing it. 

Honestly, I spend more time wondering why I have a nearly insatiable sex drive than why I'm driven to have sex with women! I'm just glad to have a willing and beautiful partner to share myself with. I love being a lesbian!