The Lovely Lydia's Blog for December 2023

It's been a year and a half since I've written here! Goodness, the time does fly. I'm finding less and less time to devote to this space as my business life has returned to full steam and my love life becomes by equal parts ever more complicated and wonderfully abundant. 

I work four jobs, two of which had practically ceased doing business during the shutdowns. I'm a proofreader for an online company and a bookkeeper for another, and those were the jobs that kept me afloat throughout 2020, 2021, and part of 2022. My other two jobs, one being a yoga instructor and the other a meditation teacher, really require in-person interaction with students, I feel, to be maximally effective. I attempted doing Zoom classes for both, but I found it difficult to connect in the way I felt I needed to with my students. Now my studio is back open, and life is more or less back to normal for me.

Not that my love life is normal by any stretch! But I've tried plain vanilla, and it didn't suit me. I have a ravenous sexual appetite and enjoy having a variety of partners. To some, my private life would seem chaotic. To me, it's what keeps life interesting and fun.

As I mentioned last time, I was struggling with the idea of continuing to call myself a lesbian, now that I'm having regular sex with two chaps. My gold star held out till I was 41. Now I'm 45 and still enjoying the company of my male friends. And I no longer feel a need to choose. And I certainly don't feel like slowing down! If anything, I feel as if I'm in my sexual prime. So I simply don't worry any longer about labels and let whatever happens, happen. 

Which is a good thing, because since I last wrote here, I've managed to collect two more female partners and another male one, for a total of 10 lovers. If that sounds like relationship insanity, well, in some ways I suppose it is. But I've always managed to find time for all the people I love. 

The new additions were also people I already knew, so it's not as if I've been going about looking for new partners. I wouldn't have the time if I wanted to! In any event, I've promised in the past that I'd say something here about the beautiful people who make up my love life, so I thought I'd do that today. They deserve a little acknowledgement and a thank-you for being a cherished part of my life. As ever, I won't use their real names here, out of respect for their privacy.   

Cathy 

My primary partner. It was her tenaciousness that made us a couple. When I was living in the House of Polyamoury (as I came to call it) with Gina, Mary, Tim, and Scott, Cathy began showing up and often spending the night after she met Tim. They're still together, and I live with them. Back then, she flirted with me relentlessly, but at the time I was quite focussed on Gina as my main lover. She was the fulcrum around which all of us in the house moved. Save for Cathy, everyone in the house was romantically attached to her. When Gina died, all our lives were thrown into turmoil, and I spiralled into a very deep depression, feeling largely responsible for what happened to her. (I wrote in detail about Gina last time.) 

Cathy introduces herself to others as a dancer. And it's true enough. She belongs to a professional dance troupe. She also dances at a strip club. She often tells me that the professional-dancing gig is where her heart truly lies, but the good money, unsurprisingly, lies in baring it all onstage for the men (and sometimes women) who are all too happy to part with their cash. She also performs a fair amount of webcam work, which was something she explored during the lockdowns. Very good money in that, it seems. She decided some time back to start her own escort service, though she doesn't spend much time on that these days. And she offers extra offstage treats for those willing to pay up at the club -- and it's for that reason alone that I'd never reveal her true identity here, lest I get her in hot water. 

People love to judge the life choices that people like Cathy make, and we're accustomed to that. But what people don't understand is that the things she does for money are just that -- for money. It's a service, a transaction, that she performs. It's just business. She takes advantage of the assets nature endowed her with and parlays them into financial security. 

For a time, she encouraged me to take part in her business ventures, arguing that I had the body for it. I signed on for a while, as I confess to having a bit of an exhibitionist fetish. The year I went to a debauched Mardi Gras celebration and let a complete stranger fingerbang me to orgasm in the street, followed by having lesbian sex on a balcony in front of a cheering crowd, was undoubtedly my peak exhibitionist experience. But that was many years ago, and whilst I did give it a go with Cathy -- first with some live sex shows in Portland to an appreciative crowd, and then with some girl-girl webcam action -- I realised that scene just wasn't for me. Now I'm just as happy to compartmentalise our private life from her business life. She can make just as much money masturbating in front of a webcam as she can having sex with me in front of a webcam, so I just let her do her thing. She still urges me to participate from time to time, but I'm not so certain I want to go back there. 

And I fully encourage her endeavours. Being well aware that her expiration date, so to speak, draws ever closer as an object of sexual desire in the eyes of many of the men who now happily part with their money to see her in the nude, or more, she's squirreling away as much as she can to plan for her future "while the gettin's good," as she puts it. She has a remarkably good head for business. So, lads, don't assume that that pretty girl you're ogling onstage is some brainless object who's there because she has no other options in life. Remember the elementary-school teacher who made $1 million on OnlyFans? If you can do that, why wouldn't you? That's Cathy's philosophy.

What you also might not expect is that Cathy is content having just her two partners in her life. People are quick to stereotype someone like her as being recklessly promiscuous, yet in her home life, Tim is her exclusive male romantic partner and I'm her exclusive female partner. She had Tim before I got to know her, and when she laid eyes on me, she decided she wanted me as well. Now that she has me, she says, she needs nothing else to be happy. All told, she's actually probably more sexually and emotionally grounded than I am. I've spent my life sating my endless appetite for sex, always chasing the next orgasm. Cathy, in contrast, doesn't crave a variety of bodies the way I do, and she's content if she can get some sexy time with me and with Tim once a day. Naturally, we're always more than happy to oblige. 

She's always been aware of my deep-seated need for sexual variety and decided she loved me and wanted me anyway. She doesn't take it personally, and it's not personal. I love her deeply, but I also don't shut out other people I happen to be romantically or sexually attracted to. She even lets Tim play if he happens to find someone he's attracted to. Doesn't happen often, especially now that he has two women he can fuck right under his roof whenever he desires, but it does happen from time to time. In any event, our arrangement works for Cathy, and she's good for both of us. She's always energetic, adventurous, motivational, and deeply sensual. And did I mention tenacious?  

As I mentioned, she flirted with me almost from the time we met. But whilst I found her very attractive, my mind was simply too wrapped up in the lovers I already had, particularly Gina. At the time, I lacked the headspace for one more. It might have been different if not for Gina, but I was fairly obsessed with her back then. It also happened that Gina was quite volatile, and keeping her grounded was something to which all of her lovers devoted significant time. We loved her fiercely, but she was also somewhat of our collective and ongoing project.

Yet when Gina died, Cathy was there for me just as much as her former partners were. She was someone I could talk to without judgement -- someone who hadn't been part of Gina's inner circle, which in some ways made her easier to come to with my hurts and regrets. All of us who loved Gina intimately were suffering and spiraling in the wake of her death, and whilst we all had people outside our circle with whom we could commiserate, Cathy felt like my lifeline some days. 

I ended up drifting into some questionable relationships as I healed from Gina's loss. And there was also more hurt along the way, as a new girlfriend I'd gotten involved with succumbed to a painful death from pancreatic cancer. I'll call her Jennifer. She'd alienated most of the people in her life in one way or another, and I was alone with her in the hospital room, holding her hand, as she slipped away. Her attending doctor, to make a long story very short, ended up becoming my wife. But my marriage fell apart when my wife began to struggle with her sexual identity. We ended up divorcing, after which we realised we got along much better together when we weren't married to each other. 

Through all this time, Cathy never gave up on me. She knew how to work my weaknesses and did get me into the sack with her a couple of times whilst all this was happening. But I would never give her the relationship she craved. It seemed my mind was always elsewhere, focussed on someone or something else. I did end up sleeping with her quite regularly when my wife and I opened up our marriage in an attempt to save it. In the end, all that ended up accomplishing was to make me realise that I wasn't cut out for monogamy, and that I really did enjoy Cathy's company. She took me in when my wife and I split up, and I never left. So she finally got me, after many years of trying, and I'm so glad that she never gave up on me. She knew she wanted me, and she wasn't going to give up till she succeeded.

She puts up with a lot from me, but she knows I'm not going anyplace. In fact, I think the lockdowns made the three of us who live together even closer than we had been previously. When we had nowhere else to go and no one else to see, the closeness that already existed among us deepened our shared bonds even further.    

Tim

Cathy met Tim when he came to watch her at the strip club. He was one of Gina's partners at the time, and he decided to head out and enjoy some exotic dancing one night when Gina was busy with something else. Cathy told me one of the things that attracted her to Tim was that whilst he approached her after her show as a lot of men did, he actually wanted to get to know her. As Tim puts it, she was just his type, and something clicked in his head when he saw her. He wasn't above hitting the town in search of a one-night stand, but there was just something about Cathy that for him was different -- different enough that he said he felt compelled to track her down and talk to her. 

For her part, Cathy says he took a personal interest in her, as a person and not an object, which to her was quite shocking. The men she met at the club generally only wanted to get their rocks off with a pretty girl, pay their money, and toss her aside. And though Tim did have sex on his mind (as he often does!), he approached Cathy wondering if perhaps she'd like to go out for some drinks or dinner. She thought he was pranking, that perhaps one of her (or his) friends had put him up to it. But he was sincere, and they ended up enjoying a nice meal out. Cathy said he made her feel like a queen, and in her words, she didn't charge him for the blowjob at the end of the night. He came back to see her that weekend at the club, and after a movie and another dinner together, they ended up fucking at the Polyamoury House. Gina and I met her for the first time the next morning at the breakfast table. It was not unusual to suddenly see a new face in the morning after somebody had brought home a one-night stand. But Cathy was one that stuck around. She never did move in with us, but she ended up staying there more than she did at her own place.

Tim is a businessman. He's in middle management. He walks out the door every day in a shirt and tie. You'd never guess that he had a kinky side. But then it's the unassuming-looking ones you sometimes have to look out for! 

He came into our lives when Gina met him at her own job. She was working retail, and he was a customer in her department. And she decided then and there, upon first laying eyes on him, that she wanted him, and so she passed him her phone number and very strongly hinted that if there was anything else he wanted, just let her know. Wink, wink. That was just the kind of thing she did. So I knew Tim before Cathy did, though Tim and I were never intimate. At that time, I was still very committed to my gold star and felt no attraction to men in any event.

Fast-forward to four years ago. I was living with Tim and Cathy, as I still am. Cathy was our hinge: She slept with both of us, but Tim and I didn't have a sexual relationship. We did have some enjoyable threesomes at Tim's prodding, with Cathy as Tim's and my focal point in the bedroom, but no contact between me and Tim.

Then everything changed when Cathy talked me into joining her for a striptease for his birthday. Cathy was intended to be the main event, sucking him off in the bedroom whilst I played with her for his enjoyment. He always liked watching us play, and of course we'd all been naked in bed together many times, so I thought it would be some harmless fun. But I got caught up in the moment that evening and asked if I could join in. To this day, I still don't know what came over me, but I just had a sudden urge to feel his cock in my mouth. 

Of course he was fine with my request, though both Tim and Cathy were quite surprised that I'd even ask! And that incident led to somewhat of an obsession with giving him blowjobs, which amused Tim and Cathy both to no end -- the lesbian wants to suck a dick again! Tim naturally had no complaints, and by the end of the year it got to the point that I asked Cathy and Tim if I could try sleeping with him. I just needed to satisfy my curiosity, having never fucked a man before. And I felt safe exploring that avenue with him. I would have trusted no other man. 

I've shared the details of what happened previously. He was gentlemanly the entire night, and an amazing lover. I felt both safe in his arms and fully sated in the morning. We still fuck quite frequently, though I'll always step aside when Tim and Cathy want their time together. They were an item long before I ever knew I'd enjoy getting filled up by a man. 

I think Tim must be living every man's dream, getting as much action as he wants from two female lovers living under his roof.

Jack

I also mentioned Jack when I told you about Gina. Jack is into hardcore BDSM, and Gina went to him when she felt she needed to get roughed up a bit in the sack. Their sex actually got quite violent, which I came to learn was at her prompting. Gina, as I've shared, had some deep-seated issues to work through, and whilst I know BDSM can be therapeutic in many ways, she was using it more because she felt a psychological need to be punished than because it was a sexual itch that she needed to scratch. 

Jack and I got to know each other during Gina's lifetime. He flirted with me a couple of times back then, though he knew he wasn't going to get anywhere with the then-inveterate lesbian. A little less than four years ago, after I'd started sleeping with Tim, I went around to Jack's place to ask for some pointers on how best to please a man in the bedroom. I wanted Tim to enjoy our time in the sack to the fullest, and I knew Jack would be more than happy to show me the ropes. 

He was pleased indeed to hear I'd lost my gold star, and he wasted no time getting down to business. I'd actually gone to his place not knowing if we were going to just talk or actually fuck, but I was half-expecting -- and rather anticipating, if I'm being honest -- the latter. I was admittedly a bit scared, knowing how intense he can be in the bedroom. But he actually let me take charge our first time in bed together, so he could assess how I performed with Tim. 

Having had some light BDSM experience myself with Gina, I curbed my jitters that first time by throwing the unexpected at him: I pinned him down, mounted him, and rode him good and hard until I orgasmed. Then I pulled off him and edged him for what must have felt like an excruciatingly long time for him. I got a thrill out of watching him squirm, and I made him beg me to let him cum. Only then did I let him back in, mounting him reverse-cowgirl style and riding him in slow, long thrusts until he exploded inside me. Then I got up, sat on his face, ground my hips on him, and ordered him to eat me until I reached my second climax. 

I don't know what came over me, but I very much enjoyed taking control of this virile man who normally delights in being the one in control in the bedroom. And he liked it as well. Suffice to say we had an enjoyable evening! 

That test run of sorts turned into a long-term sexual relationship for us. I give him the dominatrix treatment when he's in the mood, and I let him rough me up a bit when he's in the mood. I quite enjoy letting him dominate me, in fact. It feels dangerous and exciting, and I think I understand why Gina enjoyed his company so much. He is very well versed in the sexual arts, and I can't think of a better partner to both learn from and to make up for lost time with. 

The biggest surprise to me was when Jack invited me out on an actual date. That's not something he normally does with his female partners, by his own admission. Usually, I (and his other female friends) simply come over to his place, there's some talk and perhaps some dinner or drinks, and then it's off to the bedroom to fuck like crazed rabbits for a couple of hours. But he started buying me flowers and lovely little gifts, and I didn't know what to think. He would only say that he really liked me and wanted to show his appreciation for me. When I playfully told him I'll bet he says that to all the girls, he was quite sincere when he said no, that I was special in his eyes, a cut above. His actual words were that when he knew me back when Gina was alive, he thought I was "out of his league"! I told him he was being ridiculous, but he insisted that he sees himself as a guy of slightly above middling intellect and me as a "sharp" girl with a "good head on her shoulders," and as "someone with a brain" that he can have an actual deep and stimulating conversation with. What that says about the female company he otherwise keeps is something I'll let you draw your own conclusions about.  

And he backs up how he feels about me with his actions. When we go out together, he opens doors for me, pulls out my chair, even introduces me to people as his girlfriend, all of which I find extremely flattering -- and quite arousing, if I'm honest. Then we go back to his place, put on some music, enjoy some wine, and generally have some very nice, romantic, and often tender sex. Those date nights have led to a bond between us that I hadn't anticipated, and I don't quite know what to do with it. Sometimes I'm not certain he does either. But I do know that he respects me, that it's not a show, and that makes him all the more attractive to me.

I do think the way I took charge during our first romp in the sack ended up setting the tone for our relationship in ways he didn't anticipate. I know enough about him now to realise he wouldn't let any of his other female partners get away with that kind of behaviour. He'd instantly "tame" them if they attempted to boss him around. That's what he did with Gina. She played the role of a brat, and he took pleasure in "correcting" her. So I do know that I'm genuinely special in his eyes, and that kind of makes my heart melt.   

To put a finer point on it, I'm fairly certain that he was enamoured of the idea that I was somebody who was interested in giving back in equal measure to him what he was accustomed to dishing out. He was used to having women come to him for a specific experience -- to be dominated. Then I showed up and dominated him, and he found that "extremely hot," in his words. I unexpectedly shifted the power dynamics on him, and I think it's opened up a part of him that he wants to explore more deeply with me -- and only me, it seems, which I take great pride in. I know he loves my body -- he tells me frequently -- but as I've said, it's obvious that he also loves my mind, which to me is a massive turn-on. 

One thing's for certain: He's become my primary male partner, which works out well in the end for Cathy and Tim. There's no strain in our relationship, but the two of them deserve more one-on-one time together, as they had before I became both of their sexual partners.

Four years ago, I wouldn't have dreamed of having sex with a man. Now I can't get enough of Jack. I don't know where this is all going to lead, but I'm not complaining in the meantime.  

Mary

Most of my partners were once Gina's partners, and for Gina it all started with Mary. Gina had moved to the area I now live in as a single mother, young but beaten down, with not a lot of prospects for her life. Mary worked at the daycare where Gina dropped off her daughter, and she took a personal interest in Gina as they got to know each other. But what began with one person lending a helping hand ended up turning into a deep friendship, and Gina eventually pushed for romance and got her way, as Mary found herself falling in love with Gina.

After they'd moved in together and essentially became co-mothers to Gina's daughter, Mary met Scott. Mary, being bisexual like Gina, was attracted to him but wasn't about to cheat on Gina. Mary came to Gina and was honest about her feelings, and Gina suggested the three of them get together. To Gina, it was better to see if they could all get along together somehow than to try to harbor feelings for someone outside the relationship and put a strain on things. So they did all meet, and that's when Gina realised she liked Scott, too. 

As the relationship amongst the three of them progressed, Scott floated the idea of polyamoury, and it wasn't long after that before he moved in with Gina and Mary. For better or worse, that started Gina down the road of seeking out as many partners as she got a taste for, especially as Scott developed a closer bond with Mary than he did with Gina. Mary wasn't thrilled with that idea at first, but she also didn't feel she could object since she and Scott had become so close. That's what led to the House of Polyamoury, where Gina lived with Mary, Scott, me, and Tim all under one big happy roof. 

Mary and I were close friends, but we'd never been intimate. In some ways, she wasn't my type. Not everyone rings your bell, and Mary was like that for me at first. But then Gina continued to suggest that she, Mary, and I engage in a threesome, and she became quite insistent on it after a bit. She wanted to be intimate with what she called her "two favourite people" at the same time. Mary and I continued to politely tell her no, though Gina's insistence on imagining the three of us in bed together eventually got me to see Mary in a different light. At first I noticed little things like her sweet smile, her bright and playful eyes, her freckled skin, and her lovely ginger hair. I began stealing glances at her -- and I realised I rather enjoyed the view whenever she bent over! Knowing what a kind and selfless soul she was, having endured so much for the sake of Gina's welness and happiness, made me enamoured of her all the more. Eventually, I got to fantasising about what she looked like naked! But I didn't know if she felt the same towards me, so I didn't force the issue. We lived under the same roof, and I didn't want things to be awkward. Besides, if she wanted to take the next step and do as Gina wanted us to do, I reckoned she'd let me know.

I've shared the story about the night Gina pushed Mary and me out the door on a date together. I took the opportunity over dinner that evening to express my feelings for Mary and admitted that I would indeed be open to a threesome with Gina. To my surprise and great excitement, Mary said she felt the same, that her feelings for me had been growing just as mine had for her. But she hadn't known how to tell me. 

I was the one who suggested a practise run that night, and Mary, though taken off guard, enthusiastically accepted. Gina had asked if she could have the house to herself that night, so I ended up springing for a nice hotel room for the two of us. By the time we got behind closed doors, we were exploding with anticipation. To say we didn't sleep much was an understatement.

As I've shared previously, we came home the next morning to find Gina dead in her bed of an overdose. We then knew that she'd pushed us out the door so she could end her life, but also in hopes that Mary and I might carry on as friends and lovers in her absence. 

Needless to say, Mary and I felt extremely awkward about that evening together for a long time. We both grieved deeply and in our own ways. Tim ended up leaving and moving in with Cathy, and they eventually got the place together where the three of us live now. I holed up in an extended-stay hotel for quite a while, before spending some time visiting old flames overseas -- not a terrific idea in hindsight -- whilst I tried to get my head together. But the important thing at the time for me was that I had to get out of that house. I couldn't bear to be there. Mary and Scott, however, actually stayed on and eventually got married and adopted Gina's daughter, before having another child of their own. They still own that house. Their way forward was to close ranks around each other and drop out of the polyamoury scene -- at least for quite some time.

Mary and I eventually started talking again, overcoming our awkwardness around each other to become good friends once more. She attended my wedding, and she unexpectedly became my wife's paramour when the two of us agreed to open our marriage in an attempt to save it. My wife was struggling in our marriage because she couldn't reconcile whether she was a lesbian or bisexual, for as much as she loved my company, she said she missed the company of a man. Not knowing what else to do, and not willing to give up on our marriage, I suggested she find a man to sleep with. At first she was horrified at the thought, but when I suggested someone she knew and trusted, she eventually changed her mind. 

That person was Scott, who liked my wife and often flirted with her, though it was never meant to be anything more than playful. I went to him and Mary and explained the situation, and after some deliberation, they agreed to let Scott and my wife go on a date and see where things led.

They led to the bedroom.

Mary, meanwhile, was adjusting to being thrust back into the polyamoury scene again. She and I spent some quiet nights together at my place whilst her husband and my wife were off having their fun. I was also spending more time with Cathy, and I ended up sleeping with her once or twice a week. But we weren't yet in a committed relationship. I was just looking for companionship in other women as my wife went off and did what she needed to do. And in all that quiet time Mary and I had together, we started to feel the spark of the old attraction that had brought us together the night of Gina's death. Nights of snuggling up and kissing on the sofa turned into full-blown making out, which eventually led to the bedroom. It happened only a few times, but it was as good as we'd remembered, even if it did feel more as if it were for old times' sake than for any other reason.

But as my wife and Scott started spending more and more time together, I ended up spending more and more time with Cathy. For days on end, no one would be home at our place, as we were both spending more time with our partners than we were with each other. 

That left Mary at loose ends on many nights. One night she went home early with nothing else to do, and she heard Scott and my wife getting it on in the bedroom. They were understandably both a bit startled when they came out to the living room in their robes and saw Mary sitting there, reading a book and sipping a glass of wine as if nothing had happened! She wasn't angry about the situation. She'd agreed to the arrangement, and she knew how polyamoury worked. To the contrary, she told me that hearing the commotion in the bedroom and then seeing them both come out together in nothing but their robes got her quite aroused, giving her flashbacks to the days when she, Scott, and Gina lived together. 

The three of them ended up sitting around talking for the rest of the night, and by the time my wife went home, they'd all decided to go out on a date together, just as Mary, Scott, and Gina had done so many years ago, to see if anything might come of it. To punctuate the point, Mary said she took Shelley by surprise by plying her with a long, deep kiss on her way out the door. 

Mary, ironically, told me about all this before my wife did. She admitted getting turned on by Shelley that night, first by hearing her being pleasured by Scott in the bedroom, and then by sitting and talking with her and Scott and getting to know her on a deeper level. She said there was something irresistibly sexy about Shelley, sitting there in nothing but a robe, smiling and laughing and relaxed, with no defences up, authentically her, that unexpectedly turned her on. I said I understood. When Shelley got round to telling me about this around three days later, I told her rather curtly that I already knew, and I reminded her that for polyamoury to work, all parties need to be brutally honest with each other. She wasn't happy with my reprimand, but I felt she needed to be reminded. 

So the date happened, and the three of them ended up in bed together that same night. I wasn't terribly surprised. 

Long story short: Mary, Scott, and my wife ended up in a romantic triad, whilst I was spending almost all my time at Cathy's place. The upshot was that my wife and I had unexpectedly ended up finding more contentment in our outside relationships than we had with each other, such that the outside relationships didn't bolster ours but rather made it effectively disappear. It was quite clear to both of us that our marriage was over. We were simply investing far more time in other people than we were in each other.

My wife's triad with Scott and Mary eventually came to an end, though, when my wife began to have doubts and second thoughts. We'd already divorced at this point, so there was nothing for her to come back to. She ended up moving out of state and trying to get a fresh start on life. 

I remained close with Scott and Mary, though I had no further romantic designs on Mary. But that changed, rather spontaneously, when I invited Scott and Mary and their kids to join me on my annual summer trip to the family ranch in Arizona. It's been in my family for several generations, and I inherited it in full when my sister died. But I don't know the first thing about ranching, and I have no interest in living in the Arizona heat. So I lease the ranch out, and I take a yearly jaunt down there to look things over, check the paperwork, and renew the lease. 

The first summer that I had full ownership of the place, in 2019, I went down by myself to sort things out. I didn't need any distractions. In 2020 we did all our renewals by phone. In '21, I chose to return in person, but Cathy had no interest in going. She hates the heat. But when I mentioned to Mary and Scott that I was heading down there, they said their daughters, then aged 8 and 3, would love running around on the ranch and would appreciate getting some fresh air and a change of scenery. Alissa, Gina's then-18-year-old girl whom Mary and Scott had adopted when she was little, wanted to come along as well. So I invited all of them to join me. 

They had a wonderful time, as did I. Mary and I were casually riding around on horseback one day, and after a while we dismounted and sat under a tree to watch the sun set. The romance of the moment overtook us, and we ended up spending the night together in the guest house -- where we had all been planning on staying! The renters of the main house were kind enough to offer two spare rooms for Scott and the kids so Mary and I could enjoy some privacy. The younger kids were oblivious. Alissa just rolled her eyes in knowing exasperation. She's becoming so much like her mum as she steps into adulthood!

The same thing transpired in the summer of '22, with a bit more anticipation for Mary and me beforehand. Alissa chose not to come; Scott and the younger girls again got put up in the main house. And this past year, we were looking forward to our now-annual rendezvous before summer even arrived! It's now become a much-anticipated tradition for the two of us, and it feels nice that we can have something like this together, after all we've been through. 

Lacey

I met Lacey when my life was in turmoil following Gina's death. She ended up being something of a counsellor and a spiritual guide for me during some dark times. I wasn't in the best frame of mind when we met, to say the least, and as I look back, I realise I was throwing myself shamelessly at a beautiful woman who happened to be showing me kindness and compassion when I needed it. I was not behaving well, as I was essentially seducing this woman who wasn't thinking of me romantically until I wore down her defences. I only knew that I wanted her, and I made that my focus until she relented. 

I long ago apologised to her for my poor behavior, and happily, we've never ceased being friends or frequent lovers. I come to her for advice and comfort, and she comes to me for companionship. She says she loves how intensely I love her when we're together. She's in an open relationship and says she's comfortable enough with her partner that she has no desire to leave. They simply agreed long ago that if someone else turned their heads, perhaps they should allow themselves a bit of fun on the side, their reasoning being that keeping things spicy would prevent them from turning into a boring old couple who could no longer stand each other but were too on in years to do anything about it. Seems like an odd rationalisation to me, but she says it's actually made their relationship stronger over the years to have this release valve of sorts. I'm the girlfriend who comes round every few weeks for lunch and sex, and it's simply become an understood and accepted part of their life.

I've until now chosen not to talk about her on this blog, because she's in a situation where others besides me look to her for guidance, and to publicly pronounce our relationship could cause her some unnecessary headaches. In short, not everybody would understand. For as wild and crazy as I usually am, I can be discreet when needed!

Angie and Piper

I also met Angie and Piper when my life was in a shambles. I knew them through Jennifer, my girlfriend who'd died holding my hand. Our story is complicated and messy, and we had actually lost communication with each other for several years, a situation that I thought best. Then Angie showed up earlier this year at one of my yoga classes. I didn't even recognise her at first, but the penny dropped when she came up to me following class. I felt startled and awkward as she drew me into a hug. I hadn't expected to ever see her again, and I asked her what possessed her to look me up after all these years. She said she found out by chance that I was leading a yoga class and thought she'd come by and "surprise me." Well, that she did. 

We went to a nearby Starbucks afterwards and had a pleasant enough chat, but I made clear to her that I'd moved beyond that time of my life when she was in it. I don't really care to go into the details about why we needed to go our separate ways, though I can say it had something to do in part with Piper, the other person in this story. Angie informed me that the two of them were living together and still in a relationship, as they had been when I'd got involved with them in a tangled lesbian triad. You might think a lesbian triad sounds like a fun time. It can be. I've been involved in my share of them. But Angie and Piper had come along at a time when I was making some shitty decisions in my life, and in the aftermath I felt that they had been one of those ill-considered choices I'd made. 

Nevertheless, just as I'd known how to push Lacey's buttons when I decided I wanted to have sex with her, Angie knew how to get under my skin. She wore my defences down, and I agreed to come by and at least have a chat with her and Piper. But I wasn't agreeing to anything more than that.

I admit I went weak in the knees when I saw Piper again. You know how some people are so bad for you and at the same time so irresistible? That's Piper for me. Seeing her was like dangling candy in front of a child, but it also dredged up a load of memories that I'd tried to move past. There was something so deliciously enticing about her, then as now, that seeing her again reminded me of how much I equally loved and hated the relationship the three of us had back then. 

Against the advice of many, I took them up on their offer to get together "for old times' sake." I felt as if they must have something up their sleeves, that I was being in some way set up. Were they trying to exact revenge on me for leaving them high and dry back then? But everything has turned out to be fairly normal -- at least as "normal" as a lesbian triad can get. They said they'd simply got to the point of wanting someone to share their relationship with again, and I was the first person they thought of. They reckoned we could both clear the air and have some fun together. 

They had mostly good memories of our time together. Me, I wasn't so sure. But my curiosity and my insatiable libido got the best of me when they were both there in front of me in the flesh all these years later, enticing me by exploiting what they knew were my weaknesses. And now here we are. We aren't particularly close, but we do talk once a week or so, and we get together solely to scratch the itch we have for each other. 

Was it a stupid idea to get back together? Time will tell. Worst case, I'll simply walk away again. Best case, we have some sexy fun as I remember the things I enjoyed about our time together in the first place.

Scott

I've known Scott from the time I got involved with Gina. As I've shared, he moved in with Gina and Mary, and thus began their -- and, by extension, my -- adventures in polyamoury. I never thought of Scott as more than a friend. After all, I was a committed lesbian for most of the time I knew him. But I knew he found me attractive. Had he not come out and said so, the looks he sneaked when he thought I wasn't paying attention would have been sign enough. I was always flattered, but never interested. And I was happy for him and Mary when they decided to get married and have a child together. A stable home life, I thought, would also be a good thing for Gina's daughter, whom they'd adopted, as I mentioned.  

Then they got back into the polyamoury scene when my wife at the time started a sexual relationship first with him, and then also with her. Once I'd come to terms with the reality that opening up our marriage wasn't going to save it as I'd hoped, I was certain the three of them were going to settle down into a long-term triad -- but then my ex-wife had a change of heart and left. Scott and Mary went back to their exclusive married life, save for my cherished annual Arizona summer trysts with Mary, and had another child together. 

To understand what happened next, I need to remind you that I've had a couple of fun three-ways with Tim and Jack. They had a lot of threesomes with Gina back in the day, and when I proposed a night together for the three of us, they both leapt at the chance. I wanted to see what it was like to be with two men at the same time. And when I want something, I ask. 

Their interaction with each other when we got together, as I expected, was minimal. I was the main event for them. And I have to say I quite enjoyed sucking one off whilst gettting pounded by the other, or, later, jerking both of them off at the same time, as I lay back and got off watching their expressions and listening to them grunt and moan, until they couldn't take it anymore and they both blew their spunk on my face. My only regret was that Cathy wasn't there to lick me clean. But as I've mentioned, Cathy will only give herself romantically to me and to Tim, and she isn't interested in having other participants in the bedroom even if she has no sexual interaction with them. And I, of course, respect her boundaries.

After enjoying a couple of threesomes with these fine gents, I wanted to up the ante. To give you an idea of what a sexy freak in the bedroom Gina was, she made it one of her life goals to go "airtight skiing," as she put it -- fucking three guys at once whilst jerking off two more with her hands. I don't think she ever accomplished that feat, and no one else can remember if she did. But she did accomplish having three guys penetrate her at once. I remember she told me that it really got her off and felt quite good, but that the logistics of it were a challenge. You're dealing with a lot of limbs working around each other in a very small space. And of course, outside of porn and in the real world, you're not likely to find three men willing to get naked in close quarters with each other.

Except that I happened to know the three men Gina fucked. And I'd already fucked two of them. 

The third was Scott. He and Gina never got together too much. When they did, it was usually because one or both of them was horny and there was no one else around, or she wanted to get down and dirty with some group sex and needed an additional partner. Scott is bisexual and so didn't mind the chance to get together with a couple of other guys when she proposed it, to see what might happen. If nothing else, he figured he'd enjoy his time with Gina, whom everybody without exception thoroughly enjoyed bedding. She was a firecracker between the sheets, and that's putting it mildly.

I didn't know if I'd measure up to Gina's standards, and I was self-conscious about that. But Tim and Jack had had no complaints about our times together, though they've always declined to compare me to Gina when I've asked. They simply assure me that I'm very good for someone who didn't fuck a man till she was 41 years old. Either I'm good at making up for lost time or I'm just a natural. I'm not entirely certain. 

In any event, I went to Scott and Mary both, and I told them what I had in mind. Scott was unabashedly intrigued by the opportunity to sleep with me. He admitted he'd always wondered what it would be like but had always respected my lesbian boundaries. Mary, of course, had the right of refusal, but she surprised us both when she ended up proposing a night of sex for the three of us -- her, me, and Scott -- so I could test the waters whilst having her there as a familiar lover to make me feel more at ease. That, and she rather fancied the idea of sharing someone again with her husband, which was something they hadn't done since my wife left them high and dry. 

Suffice to say we had a wonderful night together, one that left us all tired, sore, and very satisfied. 

The next step was to get the three blokes together. We met at Jack's place and sat for a bit in his living room. My heart was pounding even as I tried to play it cool, sipping on a glass of wine whilst they downed their beers and cranked up the masculinity, with all eyes on me like three hungry wolves. 

I started the festivities by going round the room and kissing them, licking their necks, nibbling on their ears -- just getting them in the mood whilst turning up the feminine charm. I rubbed my hands over their trousers to feel the inevitable bulge I was waiting for. I had them scoot closer together on the sofa. One by one, I unzipped them and released their already hard cocks. I'd suck one off whilst jerking off the other two, and I very quickly found myself soaking wet at the thought that I was able to get the three of them cranked up so easily and successfully -- and that they evidently found me quite desirable. 

I stood up and stripped for them whilst they watched and stroked themselves. Then they all followed me to the bedroom. 

To say the experience was something like a gymnastics routine would not be wrong. I felt filled and stretched in ways I never had before, and I must say I enjoyed every minute of it, though it was difficult at times to give adequate attention to the cock in my mouth whilst pushing and wiggling against the ones in my gash and my bum. Group sex requires you to be an expert multitasker, to say the least. By the time we were done, each of them had had a chance to explore each orifice, and I lost count of how many orgasms I had along the way. I was spent, but in a good way. It wasn't something I'd fancy doing often, but I'm happy to say I did it, and that the lads I was with seemed more than happy with my performance.

As it was with Gina, I doubt I'll hook up often with Scott. But I am quite grateful that he's willing to help me scratch an itch when I get it.

Shelley

My ex-wife, as I've mentioned, was the attending doctor of Jennifer, my dying girlfriend. My late sister was a nurse who worked at the same hospital, and when she found out I'd met Shelley, she let me know that Shelley was a very kind person who was someone I might like to talk relationships with sometime. She wouldn't tell me more than that. But Shelley and I had become close during Jennifer's illness, and I kept in contact with her following the funeral. She was indeed very friendly and compassionate and, I thought, wise. She listened to my struggles without judgement and helped me start putting my life back together, following the tragedies with Gina and then Jennifer. 

I hadn't been in a good headspace since Gina passed, and I was doing some reckless shit. What it came down to is that I couldn't stop blaming myself for Gina's death, and in a very real way I was punishing myself by essentially sabotaging my life. I'd met Lacey during this same time period, and she and Shelley were both godsends for me at a time when I desperately needed some mercy, tenderness, healing, and direction. Lacey and I, as I've mentioned, entered into a sexual relationship, but Shelley and I remained friends for the time. 

As we got to know each other better, she began to open up about her own past. She'd grown up as a Catholic tomboy who had a crush on her family's female doctor. But she'd tried not to entertain the thought much, because she was just expected to marry a man and have kids, like a good Catholic girl should. She had to set aside her "sinful" and "disordered" impulses and be a good and faithful woman of God. 

She did what was expected of her. And she parlayed her admiration for her family's doctor into a desire to pursue her own career in medicine. She wanted to help other people and made that her life's goal. That was something I found admirable, having begun my own career in social work and service to others. It was one of many things that over time drew me closer to Shelley. 

She had played the role of dutiful wife and mother, even as she had to juggle it around the demands of her career. She told me how exhausting it was, even as she found much fulfilment in making sick people better and in bringing a positive influence to the lives of her two boys. But she spent so much time at work that it put a strain on her marriage, as her husband wanted her home more. She did the best she could, but from her husband's point of view, her best wasn't good enough. 

She felt as if she was doing something wrong and didn't know what else she could do. From her point of view, she had nothing else to give of herself. And she spiraled into a depression. 

As she explained it to me, the one person who saw she was hurting and actually stopped to listen and help was a longtime female acquaintance of hers. In Shelley's vulnerable state, she began to feel affection for her friend, as that impulse she'd felt so many times but had learned to ignore as a teenager when a pretty girl walked by came suddenly roaring back. Long story short, she ended up having a passionate affair with her friend. 

And she got caught.

Her marriage crumbled overnight. Her parents said they were ashamed of her. People at her church stopped talking to her. Even her professional reputation took a significant hit. Not only had she disgraced herself with an extramarital affair, but she'd had an affair with another woman. In her world, that was doubly unacceptable and, for many, doubly unforgivable.

But her two sons did show her their love and support. They saw how their mum had struggled, and their thought was that they couldn't say they wouldn't so the same thing, or something similarly rash, if they were in her shoes, maximally stressed out, and faced with the opportunity to give themselves over to the one person who seemed to show them love and understanding. All the boys knew was that they loved her because she'd always loved them unconditionally, and they forgave her for her failure and helped her pick up the pieces of her life when so many others walked away.

This had all happened several years before our paths crossed. By the time I met her, she'd been dating both men and women and had come to the conclusion that she must be a lesbian because she felt far more comfortable being intimate with women than she did with men. She knew I was a lesbian because of Jennifer, and that made her feel comfortable talking to me about her conflicted feelings as we got to know each other better. I told her it was entirely possible she was bisexual, but she didn't think so. She had it in her mind that the only way forward for her, the only way to find lasting happiness, was with another woman.

She had no designs whatsoever on me at first, nor I on her. She wasn't really my type, to be candid. I was a femme lesbian who liked femme lesbians, and she was very much a tomboy even in adulthood. Short-cropped ginger hair, minimal makeup, a functional wardrobe that was at turns more boyish and androgynous than feminine, and not many curves to speak of. And she was quite a bit older than I. But she was funny, sweet, and kind, and the more we helped each other through our individual struggles, the more affection we began to feel for one another. 

So we started dating. Then we had sex. And we wondered where all this was going to go. We both felt as if it needed to go somewhere. 

For my part, my love life had always been chaotic, and at that point in my life it was an utter disaster. I started to wonder whether I needed to put my polyamourous urges away, grow up, and settle down with a good woman -- which she most assuredly was. 

I went to her sons -- who got along with me quite well, as they thought I made their mum quite happy, which was something she hadn't been in some time, in their estimation -- and wondered what they'd think it I became their stepmum. They were thrilled with the idea and encouraged me to propose. I'd been tossing the idea around, but I was honestly afraid of rejection. However, if I had their approval, it made me feel more confident that I'd get a yes from her. If her boys thought she wasn't ready, they would have told me so. 

So I popped the question, she said yes, and around six months later we were married. 

We led a very happy life for about a year. Then the problems began. At the root of it was that she kept telling me that though she loved me deeply, she felt sexually unfulfiled. And the frustration in the bedroom began to seep into other parts of our relationship.  

I couldn't understand what I was doing wrong. I had loads of experience in the bedroom with women. I've slept with close to a hundred women, if not more. And I never had complaints -- but lots of compliments. So what was I missing? 

Without going too much into it, I've never been a lesbian who enjoys using toys and devices in the bedroom, when I have fingers and a tongue quite capable of pleasing a woman all on their own. I've never thought I needed additional implements, because to me it implied something was missing from my natural arsenal of tools, which to me was imposing a heteronormative way of thinking on a homosexual relationship. But the fact of the matter was that my wife wanted sex that felt like it was coming from a man, yet was actually from a woman. 

So I accommodated her the best I knew how, and I thought I got pretty good at navigating the ins and outs, so to speak, of certain marital aids. Not that I hadn't used them before; I just hadn't used them much, or for a long time. I brushed up by watching some straight porn and some lesbian strap-on porn, and I spoke with my male friends for advice and tips. And I think I ended up thrusting my hips with the best of them when it was all said and done. I brought an aggressive and decidedly masculine energy to the bedroom, which as a femme lesbian was something I'd never expected I'd find myself doing. But my wife, importantly, felt more satisfied, and it seemed to help our relationship. I loved her, so for me it was a small price to pay.

But eventually that stopped working too. And again, the frustration in the bedroom seeped into the rest of our relationship. It was clear now that the problem was not just sexual, that I was somehow failing to meet her emotional needs as well. We went to counselling to try to work out a solution, but that didn't really help. The arguments between us got worse, and I was frustrated beyond words that I couldn't satisfy her, or even be an adequate emotional partner. I'd never faced this dilemma before, and I felt helpless and powerless to do anything about it.

Eventually, my thoughts turned back to some of the earliest conversations we'd had, when we first got to know each other and I was suggesting to her that she might not be a lesbian but actually bisexual. I realise that bisexual people don't need to be with both sexes to feel fulfiled, and I don't wish to feed into that myth. It just seemed to me that my wife had mistakenly believed she'd find all that she needed by being with a woman exclusively. Even though we still loved each other very much, the fact was that I simply couldn't give her what she needed, whether it was a man's energy, a man's perspective, or simply a man's body.   

That's when I suggested opening up our marriage. She was initially horrified at the idea and refused to even consider it. She actually got extremely angry at me for even suggesting it. To her it was adultery, plain and simple, and she'd been down that road before, with devastating consequences. More than that, she took my suggestion as a sign that I was no longer invested in making our marriage work, that I was giving up and checking out, or that I was just looking for an excuse to play around. Of course, nothing could have been further from the truth. 

As time went on and our situation didn't improve, she finally broke down and asked me what it was I had in mind. I assured her repeatedly that this was for her and not for me, that I wasn't using it as a licence to fool around on her, and that from my point of view it didn't mean our marriage was failing. It's difficult for people who've never been polyamourous to imagine giving their hearts to multiple people, as it's so engrained in us that we can only ever love, and be intimate with, one person at a time. So this was extremely hard for her to accept, and it took time. For her, it was a new, and scary, way of thinking. 

At first she insisted it wouldn't work, since I myself had walked away from that way of life because, in her words, it left me unhappy. I said that yes, I had left the polyamourous life, for her. And it wasn't the polyamoury that had made me miserable, but the fact that I didn't have my head screwed on straight, and I was diving into ill-considered relationships and using polyamoury as an excuse to be indiscriminate. But now, in my wife's case, I saw something that polyamoury perhaps might be able to remedy. It might give her something that I couldn't. But she was still convinced for a long time that doing this would destroy our marriage. I had to work hard to convince her that I would love her no less because she slept with someone else besides me. In fact, I was doing this because I loved her. I was willing to share her for her own happiness. 

Finally, she relented.

The obvious candidate for this experiment, in my mind, was Scott. She liked him as a friend, and he'd commented that he found her attractive. Of anyone I knew, Scott would be discreet. He knew what I was proposing and understood how this worked. And once he and Mary both agreed to the arrangement, I nudged my wife along to spend time with him and encouraged her to explore her sexuality with him without guilt or shame. I wasn't about to push her into the dating scene to try to work things out with a complete stranger. To me, this was a sensible solution. Scott was someone I knew and trusted.

It took a while for my wife to feel comfortable with the idea, but I pushed her out the door, so to speak, practically begging her to at least keep an open mind and try it. If it didn't work out, I told her, we'd try something else. 

She and Scott did eventually have sex. And as I'd suspected, she said it was exactly what she had been missing. So we just had to figure out how to balance expressing our sexuality within our marriage with meeting her physical needs with a man externally. I thought that perhaps she and I would get back to having more good old-fashioned lesbian sex with our fingers and tongues, a thought that quite delighted me -- but instead we just ended up having a lot less sex. Now I yearned for companionship, and I turned to both Cathy and Mary for it -- but mostly Cathy. The intimate time we spent together during that period set the stage for our relationship that carries on to this day. 

After a while, Shelley and I barely saw each other. She was spending most of her time at Scott and Mary's house, whilst I was spending most of my time at Cathy and Tim's. It was obvious that our marriage was over, and that we were getting all our needs met elsewhere -- sexual, emotional, and otherwise. 

Shelley tried to pull an I-told-you-so on me when it was obvious our marriage was done. "I told you this would ruin everything," she said, even as she made little to no attempt to set things right with us. I just told her that I never made her go through with it, that I only offered a potential solution, and that I especially didn't expect her to end up having sex with Mary, so that she ended up getting all of her sexual needs met outside of our marriage. She turned that around on me and said that I, too, was getting all of my needs met through Cathy. But I told her I did it because she, Shelley, wasn't there for me anymore. The recriminations went back and forth, and I eventually just told her to say with Mary and Scott and not bother coming back. An ironic thing, since we'd been living in her house during our marriage, and now I was the only one inhabiting it! 

Mary, for her part, felt responsible for ruining our marriage, having not anticipated that she'd end up in a triad with Shelley and Scott. But I assured her that these things happen, and that the marriage was obviously not meant to be. She and Shelley had developed an unexpected attraction and bond, and I told her that was okay. I also know that Mary is susceptible to falling in love quite easily, so I knew the risk I was taking in sending Shelley off to be intimate with Scott. I simply encouraged Mary and Scott to carry on with Shelley in happiness, with my full blessing, and I assured them over and over, until they finally believed me, that I didn't hold a grudge against either one of them.

Shelley and I did reconcile as the reality of the situation set in for her. As much as I loved her, I just wasn't the person she needed. It wasn't even just about the sex. It was, in the end, an overall incompatibility between two people. She thought I was what she needed, and I thought she'd be good for me. It turned out in the end that we were both mistaken. I still loved her, but I wasn't cut out to be her life partner, nor she mine. We simply figured that out too late, after things were done that then sadly had to be undone. 

We cried and hugged as we signed the divorce papers. And we remained close friends, even as she continued her live-in arrangement with Mary and Scott. Since I was already living there, as I had for our entire married life, she actually let me stay in her house indefinitely. To her, it was something of a parting gift, or a way to make an apology. She'd long since moved most of her stuff out to Scott and Mary's place anyway. The former Polyamoury House had plenty of room.  

But just as I thought she was settling into a more comfortable life, she had second thoughts. The longer she stayed with Mary and Scott, the more she said she felt like an intruder, an interloper, a third wheel. The feeling hadn't hit her when she was in the throes of new romance with the two of them, but now that they were settling in to an everyday routine together, she started to feel more and more awkward about the situation, as if she was imposing herself on something that didn't belong to her. Mary and Scott had an existing relationship, and then she showed up, and that made her feel increasingly uncomfortable the more time she had to sit around and think about it. 

For Shelley, the turning point came when Mary revealed that she and Scott were trying to get pregnant. That made Shelley feel extremely uncomfortable being there, and it brought a quick end to their menage a trois. They'd planned to make Shelley part of their new baby's life, just as their other two kids had gotten used to having her around. But for Shelley, it caused something like a crisis of conscience, and she had to leave. She just felt guilty being there, I think.

At first she wanted me to take her back. She now regretted ending our marriage and wanted to give things another try. My gut told me to say no.  If I couldn't give her what she needed the first time, I wasn't going to be able to do it the second. But I did still love her, and I very badly wanted her to find some peace and stability. 

I agreed to a trial reunion against my better judgement, and she moved back in to the house with me. Things seemed surprisingly good for the first few weeks, but soon enough the cracks we'd attempted to plaster over began to peek through. She was trying to ignore the obvious, but I didn't want this to linger. We simply weren't meant to be, and that was that. She again accused me of giving up on us, and for me that was the final straw. I packed a bag, went to Cathy and Tim's place, and, long story short, never left. 

As I expected, she shortly afterwards begged me to return. She said she'd even give me my own private space in the house until we could work things out. But what kind of relationship would that be? No, there was no going back. Leaving her for good was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, but I stuck to my resolve. It was the best thing for both of us.     

She'd been talking about starting her own private medical practise when she and I were together, but things were so constantly unsettled and she had so many other professional commitments that she just never made the time to put the plans in motion. As it turned out, her personal crisis prompted her to sell her house, after which she moved out of state to try to put the pieces back together at a safe distance from any of us. 

I didn't even know she'd sold her house till she rang me up to say goodbye. We hadn't spoken for months. She asked if we could meet before she left town, saying it was important to her to try to clear the air and part on good terms. I was fine with that, and we were happily able to reconcile and say goodbye as friends. She eventually did open her own practise, and I think she's a happier person being in control of that portion of her life. 

But her personal life is still somewhat unsettled. She's resigned herself to dating people who tickle her fancy and loving whoever she's with, be it male or female, but has given up on the prospects of a long-term relationship or marriage. She found a man she liked for a time, but they ended up breaking things off, ironically when I drove out to see her and we ended up in bed together! That was the last thing I expected to happen between us. It was unplanned, quite spontaneous. But now every time we see each other, we tend to sleep together. Old habits die hard, I suppose, as do the memories of the love that once brought two people together.

As is probably obvious, I thoroughly enjoy my time with her now. We clearly do much better without the pressures and expectations of a relationship, and I think it's nice that we can still express our love for each other when we do see each other. 

I gave Shelley my heart, and she'll always have a place in it. We just happen to get along much better as friends than we did as spouses. Now we're more like friends with benefits, and that works just fine for me. 

I also still look to her for advice, for even though navigating our relationship was more or less a disaster for both of us, she's still very wise in many other respects, and she often keeps me from doing something rash -- like running off to my native Scotland and staying there, as I very nearly did a few years back during a moment of personal crisis. I have a tendency to want to run and hide when things get stressful. I confessed to Shelley what I was thinking of doing, in large part because I think I needed someone to talk me down off the ledge, as it were. Cathy said she loved me enough to let me go if that's what I truly wanted, but Shelley didn't want to see me throw what I had away. She came along with me to Scotland at my invitation, and we made a holiday of it. 

It was so very tempting to stay in the familiar comfort of my homeland once I was there, and I knew I was going to need to rely on her to keep me grounded, which is exactly why I'd wanted her along. She came through for me, though making love with her all during our stay, in places that held so much emotional resonance for me, began to weaken my resolve, and at one point I broached the subject of giving our relationship yet another try. This time she was the one who remained strong and said no, that we'd made the right choice to pursue separate lives. And for that I'm very grateful.

Linda

I've saved Linda till last because my feelings for her are very intense, more than I ever expected they'd be. And I've needed to take some time to weigh my thoughts before putting them down.

Linda is a married woman with three kids. She lives in the suburbs, dresses conservatively, thinks conservatively. She makes her living as an accountant. Most times I see her, she's wearing a cardigan and has her hair up in a messy bun. And she wears glasses. She volunteers at her kids' school, where her kids are involved in activities like band and organised sport, and she herself is a huge Seahawks fan. She owns a dog. She goes to church with her entire family every Sunday. And she loves to cook. She's the epitome of normal to all outward appearances, the most unlikely person to be involved with somebody like me. And yet here we are. 

As I said, it's often the people you'd least expect who have the kinkiest personal lives. And Linda is a prime example. She and her husband, whom I'll call Bill, are both bisexual, which is something they knew about each other when they met. She tells me they'd both had some wild times in their younger days, before they met each other, but when their paths crossed, they were both ready to put their reckless youth behind them and become responsible adults. Reminded me a bit of my mindset when I met Shelley, except that it actually worked out for Linda and her husband.

Back when the Fitfy Shades series came out, Linda decided she wanted to be somebody's BDSM sub. The very idea, she said, really turned her on, and she couldn't stop thinking about it for quite some time. She asked Bill if he'd try it with her, but he declined. She knew it wasn't his kink, so she wasn't surprised. And she figured he'd veto the idea of letting her explore the idea with another man, so she didn't even bring up that possibility. Eventually, she set the idea aside and got on with everyday life.

A few years later, Linda said she walked in on her husband wanking himself to gay porn. She said she didn't care so much that he was watching it as it made her wonder if those old urges of his were coming back -- or had never left -- and if they needed to do anything about it. He insisted it wasn't a big deal, but she made him promise to be open with her and talk to her if things changed.  

As time went on, he did confess to her that he was getting the itch to enjoy some sex with other men. Being the responsible adults she figured they both were, she sat him down and had a rational discussion regarding what they should do about it. They agreed that they weren't about to break up their family over it, but Linda reasoned that for either of them to deny their urges would probably only lead to problems down the road. So she agreed that he could look for a male partner, so long as she was also free to explore some fun on the side, should she ever get the urge. When he asked her if she had anything in mind, she brought up BDSM again. But he put the kibosh on the idea straight away, saying he didn't want her sleeping with another man. 

As you can imagine, this led to some strife between them. Bill argued that since he was only looking for same-sex relations outside of their marriage, she should do the same. His reasoning was that they had each other for straight sex, and that seeking out partners of the opposite sex could needlessly complicate and perhaps even jeopardise their relationship. She told him he was being ridiculous, but he wouldn't back down. So even when he eventually found himself a boyfriend, she chose to once again set her desires aside and get on with life to keep the peace in the family. She was just grateful that her husband never made a big deal about his gay romps and kept it well compartmentalised. But she still didn't think it was fair. 

The thing to understand about Linda is that she was what some people, herself included, call a LUG -- a "lesbian until graduation," meaning she freely explored lesbian sexuality whilst she was in college. For many it's a phase, a way to explore and question and assert some freedom away from the confines of home, yet Linda said she knew since she was a teenager that she liked girls. She just never did anything about it until she got to college, where she said she had lots of sex with other women, evidently making up for lost time. 

She said she continued to have sex with a couple of women once she was out in the working world, but as time went on she felt as if she should "get it out of her system," find a good man, and settle down. Which is what she ultimately did. Seeing her lesbianism as a phase from her youthful past, she said she didn't seriously consider a same-sex encounter as a way to find some extramarital fun when Bill first brought up the subject. She just wanted her BDSM partner. But she just figured it was going to be one of those things that would always remain an unfulfiled fantasy.  

A few years ago, Bill met Jack through someone who knew Bill's gay paramour. There was nothing sexual about the meeting; it was just a matter of one person happening to know another, and in any event Jack is straight as an arrow. But Bill couldn't resist telling Linda about the guy he'd met. "You'd love him," he said with a laugh. "He's into all that hardcore BDSM stuff you love so much." 

Linda took offence to the fact that Bill was being so flippant about her latent desires whilst he was getting his own met whenever he liked. Pretending not to be annoyed, Linda chuckled and asked if she could get his number. He laughed back and told her not to get any ideas.

She'd had enough of this one-sided arrangement and went through Bill's phone the next time he left it unattended, to see if he had any contact information for someone named Jack. He did. She called the number from her phone, explained who she was, and wondered if she'd found the right guy. She had, and she asked if they could meet discreetly somewhere to talk. Feigning a Saturday afternoon out with some gal pals, she went off to meet him for coffee.

Her first impression of Jack was much the same as mine: He was handsome, a charmer, and a flatterer. He ticked every box for what Linda was looking for to fulfil her BDSM fantasies. But he said there was no way he'd get involved with her without her husband's knowledge and consent. He said he wouldn't tell Bill that they'd met, but that he also wasn't in the business of breaking up marriages. He wasn't a cheater, nor did he want to facilitate cheating. And that's true of him. Everything he does is done with the full consent of all parties involved, which includes any committed partners attached to his subs. 

She was ready to walk away once again deflated and disappointed, but Jack happened to catch something that had come up in her conversation: that Bill would allow her to have a lesbian relationship. So he asked her: Have you ever thought about looking for a lesbian dominatrix?

She said the thought had crossed her mind, but that it wasn't quite what she was looking for -- and anyway, she didn't even know where you'd look for such a person.

He said he happened to know one if she was ever interested.

And he gave her my number.

Linda said she had to think on it for all of about 10 minutes before she rang me.  

Now, I'd had some BDSM experience with Gina. She wanted to me to play that role for her, and whilst I was reluctant at first, I came to quite enjoy asserting myself over her. She'd wanted me to go further than I was comfortable going at the time, and considering she was accustomed to borderline sexual violence with Jack, that wasn't altogether surprising. Back then, I simply had some hard limits that I couldn't cross. In the years since, I got the itch to explore a femdom role once again, and I felt I might be willing to push the envelope a bit more with a willing participant. The problem was, I never found the willing participant. And I had to admit that I wasn't even certain how far I could actually push things and remain in my comfort zone. Fantasy is one thing, but what would it be like in reality?  

Then I ended up in my relationship with Jack. He's extremely aggressive in bed, and you have to be very clear with him what you're willing to do and what you're not before you get to that point. He'll always honour your limits, but he needs to know what those limits are, and they need to be very clearly spelt out. Otherwise, he'll simply rely on you to use your safe word or safe gesture, creating boundaries as you go. 

I had quite a few boundaries when we started having sex, as it turned out, but as time went on and I became accustomed to his way of doing things -- and quite enjoying it! -- I found my hard limits becoming fewer and fewer. For example, I can recall the first time I gave him a blowjob: I was on my knees sucking him off, and as he got more excited, he clutched my head and pulled me towards him as he began bucking his hips. He wasn't trying to get me to deep-throat him, but he might as well have been, as he very nearly triggered my gag reflex, and I had to give him my gesture to stop, which at the time made me feel like a bit of a failure. Now? I let him full-on throat-fuck me, and he pounds hard into my face when he does it. It's actually become something of a game for us to see how long he can keep his shaft fully pressed down my throat and hold it there before I need to tap out to get some air.

As I said, very few limits these days. And my newfound lack of boundaries got me even hotter to try to dominate a woman with the same level of aggression he dominated me with. I felt confident that I could push things pretty far with a willing participant. I was up for trying out just about any kink some willing woman could throw at me. And I told Jack to let me know if he ever found anyone interested.

And that's how Linda ended up with my number.

We met a few days after our phone call over lunch. I immediately liked her. She was pretty, funny, shapely, and direct and to the point about what she was looking for. She admitted she hadn't been with a woman for well on a decade and asked me to please be patient with her if we did get involved. I likewise told her it had been some time since I'd done any femdom work and that she'd have to endure a learning curve, but that I was up for just about anything. That was enough for her. She was sold. 

We tried lots of things starting out, to attempt to get a baseline for what she was truly going to be into. Turned out the sky was more or less the limit. She particularly seemed to enjoy being put on a leash, made to walk about on all fours, and having me push her face into pet-food bowls full of water or milk, to make her lap like a cat. She likewise fancied having me shove her face between my legs and holding it there, ordering her to eat me till I came. She also liked being humiliated and slapped, extremely hard.  She liked having her hair pulled and her nipples clamped. She liked having me spit in her mouth. And she really liked being pounded with a strap-on. Turns out the experience I gained in that regard whilst with Shelley wasn't for naught after all.

I've never been a violent person, and the slapping was the thing I'd had the most difficult time adjusting to when I was getting into BDSM with Gina. It was no different with Linda. She kept wanting me to go harder and harder. The harder I slapped, the hornier she got. The same was true with pulling her hair. She didn't want a tug. She wanted me to grab a fistful of her hair and yank her head, pulling as hard as I could. Likewise with pushing and shoving her about: One time I slammed her against a wall, much harder than I'd meant to, but she didn't give me a safe word, and she said afterwards that my aggression had made her extremely hot. That much was evident from the fact that she'd let me pin her arms above her head as I plunged my tongue aggressively into her mouth, and she responded with appreciative moans and a leg curled around mine. 

I truly believe one of the reasons Linda and I bonded as quickly as we did through these experiences was that neither of us quite knew how far to push things or what would work, and most importantly, we had to listen to each other and trust each other. It was the same with me and Jack, and going hardcore BDSM on Linda also gave me a new appreciation for the work Jack puts in to being an effective dom. To be an effective one, you have to be a listening one and, most importantly, a loving one. 

Now, I have to reveal something about myself that changes the story up a bit: I have loads of fetishes. That's probably not a surprise to anyone reading. But these are fetishes that existed long before I tried my hand at being a femdom. One is that I have an extreme foot fetish. Yes, it's true. This is typically a trait men exhibit, but few things turn me on more than a shapely feminine foot, with a curved arch and long toes, preferably with painted nails. Why I'm like this, I couldn't tell you. But I absolutely melt when someone sucks my toes -- I can reach orgasm from that alone -- and I also quite enjoy sucking another woman's pretty toes. I've penetrated women with my big toes, and I've brought a few women to climax by rubbing my toes against their clits. 

One of the things I asked Linda when we were starting out is if she'd consent to letting me push my feet in her face, with the goal of having her lick my heel and arch and suck and nibble on my toes. That one stopped her for a moment. She'd been open to considering everything from electro-stimulation to golden showers, but foot worship? She needed to think about that one. 

But I was the femdom, and since she hadn't yet made up her mind the next time we got together, I just went ahead and shoved my foot directly into her face. Taking a page from Jack's playbook, I decided to let her signal to me if this was something she didn't want to do. She did hesitate for a moment, but it didn't take her long to get into the spirit of things -- and oh, did she suck my toes with abandon. She made me cum in no time. And she liked seeing the reaction it had on me so much that she now enjoys that particular activity, much to my delight.

I have likewise taken the liberty of yanking her feet up to my lips and returning the favour. And I cannot begin to tell you how much it turns my crank to suck on her toes, because she has some of the most luscious, beautiful feet I've ever seen -- and I've seen a lot of women's feet in intimate settings.  

Almost as intense as my foot fetish is my love for a shapely female bottom. I love a full, robust set of well-rounded, heart-shaped cheeks. My favourite position for lesbian sex has long been the classic soixante-neuf, with me in the submissive spot. You can just park that booty in my face for as long as you like, and I'll enjoy the view as I feast on your pussy. Nor am I shy about using my tongue and my fingers on a woman's asshole. Some don't enjoy it, but most do, in my experience, even those who initially think they wouldn't like it. It's an extremely sensitive area, and if you treat it right, it can send a woman to uncharted heights. I likewise enjoy having my asshole penetrated and eaten -- and again, you can't always find willing participants for something like that. But when I parked my rear on Linda's face and ordered her to lick my asshole, she did as she was told -- and with a hungry eagerness that I've rarely experienced from anyone. 

As with her toe-sucking, this too made me climax in short order. And as with the foot worship, I again returned the favour. And good Lord, what a magnificently luscious ass this woman has. Absolutely heavenly. I wasted no time spreading her cheeks and feasting on her back door when the opportunity presented itself. She said I made her cum three times before I was done, and I could have kept going if not for her going weak in the knees.

The thing to understand about Linda is that she's abundantly curvaceous, in all the places I love finding curves on a woman. She expressed her frustration over her "stubborn weight" when we first met, but I admit I adore being with a woman who has some plumpness to her. I can just luxuriate in a body like that and never grow tired of it, like savouring a crisp, red, juicy apple. To me, a soft, full-figured, curvaceous body is the pinnacle of femininity. Peter-Paul Reubens and I would have got along well with each other, I believe. Don't misunderstand: I love all female body types, but I have my preferences, as we all do. And Linda ticks all my boxes for physical attributes. 

Relatedly, I have to tell you about one more personal fetish, one that I didn't discover till after I started sleeping with Tim: I love a man's spunk. I love the taste and the feel of it. I love watching it spurt forth from my man's throbbing cock and feeling proud knowing I did that to him. When I'm in a threesome with Cathy, I enjoy having Tim shoot his load on my tits or my face, or on Cathy's. Then we make a show for him of licking each other clean and snowballing the cum with lots of gooey tongue action between us. 

I've already told you about my fetish with the female bum. Once, when Cathy was eating me out and Tim was pounding her from behind. I managed to catch the look on his face and the low grunt he lets out when he's nearly ready to climax. Between gasps, I told him, "Cum on her back. Cum on her ass." I caught him just in time, and between Cathy's tongue lashing at my clit and the sight of Tim unloading on her backside, I reached my own climax. 

After taking a moment to catch my breath, I crawled behind Cathy to take in the beautiful sight of her tight, round cheeks and the jizz splattered halfway up her back. I leant down over her and licked up Tim's load, making a line down to the rise of her bottom. When I spread her cheeks, I found even more of Tim's cream waiting for me. It made a line down to her asshole, where the rest of it sat waiting for me in a glistening white pool. I hadn't swallowed yet, and I had an idea. Cathy was used to having me tongue her back door, but what she wasn't expecting was for me to pull my thumbs in opposite directions to open her up as much as I could, spit Tim's cum over the opening, and then greedily lick and slurp it all back off. I don't know why I did it. The mood just struck me. And it seemed that Tim enjoyed the show whilst I got Cathy to cum as I kept rimming her good and hard. This has since become something we do often, especially when Tim fucks Cathy in the ass. That opens her up nicely so I can dig my tongue in deep and lap up his juices from inside her sweet bottom. 

And I'm telling you this because when I became so enamoured of Linda's amazing booty, I immediately wanted to do the same thing with her. And I wanted to do it really badly. But I thought it best not to bring it up till we'd gotten to know each other better. After all, we were BDSM partners. I didn't want to scare her off with the idea of a threesome when that wasn't at all what she'd signed up for. 

Besides, who would make the deposit? I had no interest in cleaning up her husband's juice. That meant getting one of the men in my life involved. I knew Linda's husband wouldn't let another man fuck her, and I intended to honour that boundary, but if a man was in the room with us and getting busy with me, and he just happened to shoot his load over her butthole for me to clean off, well, that seemed like fair game. 

Linda was well aware of my obsession with her ass when I finally did broach the subject. To my delight, she was willing to do what I wanted, though I made it very clear that this wasn't to be a BDSM situation, just sex, and that I wasn't ordering her to do anything. I felt that was an important thing for her to understand, because I needed her to know that she could freely decline to take part in something that was so out of context for us. But she was fully on board with the idea, so the next step was to get the okay from her husband to let there be another man in the room. 

I went with Linda to talk to Bill. We hadn't met before, and whilst he seemed intrigued by meeting his wife's lesbian lover -- the way he repeatedly looked me up and down said it all, really -- he wasn't so keen on the idea I had. He asked if he could do the deed, making a point of saying he wouldn't mind seeing me naked -- which seriously pissed me off, because it showed he was neither listening to me nor taking my or his wife's desires seriously. To him, this seemed to be a joke, and his only driving concern was evidently what he could get out of it. His extramarital gay romps were his private concern, but he was expecting his wife to put on a show for his benefit with her lover. 

But I didn't want to risk ruining what Linda and I had by causing a scene, so I kept my cool and simply said I wouldn't be comfortable with that arrangement. He then wanted to know why he should feel comfortable letting another man jizz on his wife's ass -- which, honestly, was a fair enough question even if I didn't like the man at this point. When I told him the person I had in mind was Jack, and that I had a relationship with Jack, he softened up a little bit about the whole thing. At least he knew who Jack was. So I got Jack on the phone and had him talk to Bill directly. He wanted to hear from both me and Jack that I was to be the only one in the room to have sexual contact with Linda. Once he understood that had been the plan all along, he reluctantly agreed. 

It's probably mind-blowing to some reading this that I'd go to such lengths just to be able to perform this one sex act that would be over in a matter of seconds, but that's how I roll. I wanted to do it, so I set out to make it happen.

As you've probably figured out, we'd gone to Jack first to secure his participation. It was always unlikely that he was going to say no, of course! And Jack being Jack, he made a big to-do out of making us put on a performance for him before he'd consent, in exactly the same way he pushed me down on my knees and made me suck his cock the first time I came round to see him post-Gina. He has a way of wanting you to prove yourself to him, to show that you'll do what he asks of you, before he'll agree to anything. It's one of his many ways of asserting the control he so loves to take in intimate settings. 

In this instance, he wanted me to order my sub to do something kinky for me, right there on the spot. I warned Linda beforehand that he was going to do something like this, so she was prepared. I whispered to her my idea, and she nodded her approval. We started out draping our arms around each other and sharing some tender kisses. Then I play-pushed her off me and ordered her down on her hands and knees. I yanked her by her hair over to the sofa, where I sat next to Jack and told her to take off my socks and shoes. As soon as she did, I shoved a foot in her face and told her to show me some worship. She went right to work, obediently licking my arches and sucking on my toes. 

I was pleasantly squirming, and by this point I could see the bulge growing in Jack's jeans. Giving him a smile and a wink, I rolled my pants down to above my knees and made Linda pull them off the rest of the way with her teeth. She did as she was told. Then I had her kiss up the length of my legs and across my thighs. Lifting my butt off the sofa, I pulled on my knickers and once again had Linda remove them the rest of the way with her teeth. Once she did, I yanked her head up, stuffed it between my legs, and held it there as I ordered her to eat me out till I came. And eat me she did. She was a hungry lady, and she was not at all shy doing this in front of Jack!

For his part, Jack now had his cock out and was giving himself a handjob as he watched us. I was already on fire, but seeing him aroused got me even more worked up, and it didn't take much longer for me to climax, barking out Linda's name as I did. 

I jerked her head up to meet mine, ordered her to open her mouth, and launched a gob of spit onto her tongue, following it up with a deep tongue kiss. When we released, I slapped her face, called her a dirty whore, and told her to go sit down in a chair on the other side of the room, facing the sofa. I commanded her to watch and not to dare touch herself as I turned my attention to Jack, who was cranking himself hard at this point. 

I smiled and asked him if he'd like me to take care of anything for him. He nodded. I told him to say please, and he hissed out the word from behind gritted teeth. I was controlling two people in the room! With that little rush of excitement flowing through me, I leaned over and plunged my mouth onto his shaft. I pumped him just as hard as he'd been jerking himself off. It didn't take long before he let out a low growl and his juices came flooding into my mouth.

Well, that was a fun time! And I knew our coming get-together was going to be just as fun. For the record, incidentally, I did take care of Linda's needs later on. I couldn't just leave my lovely lady hanging.  

So all was good and set to go. That following weekend, the three of us all went out for a nice dinner -- Jack's treat, being the gentleman he is -- and then headed back to his place for the festivities. 

Once we were all naked, I knelt down to take Jack in my mouth. But not for too long -- just long enough to build up the anticipation. I got to my feet, kissed him, and told him to hold that thought as I took Linda by the hand and led her to the bed. I laid her down and left a trail of kisses from her lips to her neck, across her erect nipples, down the length of her soft belly, and into her nether regions. This was the first time we were having sex without the dom-sub dynamics in play, and I very quickly found that any nerves I anticipated simply weren't there. I loved making love to her.  

My butt was up in the air near the edge of the bed when I got myself into position to feast on my lady. As I half-expected, I immediately felt Jack playing around back there. His fingers were fiddling with my slit. In went one finger, then two. Then out, then back in. That was nice. 

Linda was close to cumming, and I wasn't doing so bad myself. But then Jack stopped. A moment later, I felt his hands grabbing my hips and his rock-hard cock sliding into my snatch. He immediately started to buck and pound. I hadn't intended to let him go that far. I wanted to play a little edging game with him. But I was too focussed on bringing Linda to her climax to stop what I was doing -- and anyway, it felt really good. 

Then Linda let out a gasp. Her fingernails dug into my scalp as she pressed her thighs around my head and arched her back. There it was! Just what I was waiting for.

As soon as she relaxed, I turned around to look at Jack and ordered him to stop. You would have thought I'd taken away his favourite toy from the pathetic expression he gave me. 

"You need to save that," I told him in a firm, scolding tone. And he did as I commanded. I love doing that to him. 

Now it was time to get down to the reason we were here. I had Linda flip over and get on all fours. I sat next to her on the edge of the bed. I spread her cheeks, spit on her butthole, and eased a finger inside her till it was all the way in. Once I'd loosened her up a bit, I added a second finger. I got into a steady rhythm, sliding in and out, and she responded with a satisfied groan. I wanted her spread open as much as possible when I was ready to dive in at the moment of truth. Probably could have used a butt plug or a dildo to accomplish the same thing, but as I've said, I'm not a believer in using toys when I can use my own God-given implements.  

Had Linda been the only person I needed to pay attention to, I could have got my other hand busy between her legs. But Jack was standing beside me, stroking himself and patiently waiting for me to take a mouthful of him. Planting my free hand on the mattress for balance, I turned my head and took him in. It's a good thing I can multitask. 

His grunts were driving me to distraction as my lips and tongue rode up and down the length of the shaft. Meanwhile, I had Linda groaning behind me as I continued to prime her butthole with my fingers. I could see out of the corner of my eye that she'd taken the liberty of taking care of things between her legs. That got me even hotter than I already was. My heart was pounding with excitement.

Suddenly, Jack gripped my head with his hands and started pushing my head toward him. I knew what that meant. He was close. I looked up at him to gauge his expression. I could always tell when he was ready to blow.

Sure enough, there it was. 

"Now!" he groaned. 

I released him from my mouth, and he got into position as I pulled my fingers out. I held her open, he pressed the head of his cock against her gaping hole, and he exploded straight into her, just the way I'd planned it. I watched with anticipation as his milky juices drained down inside her. The instant he was done, I stretched her asshole as wide as I could, and I burrowed my tongue inside her as deep as it would go, sucking and lapping like a starving animal till I'd evacuated and swallowed every last drop within my reach. 

But I wasn't done. I kept my lips and tongue latched to her hole and rimmed her with all my might, whilst sliding one hand down between her labia. She was furiously rubbing her own clit, so I took the opportunity to slide two fingers into her warm, wet vagina. I banged her hard. Her legs started to quiver, and in moments she came and fell flat to the bed. 

Now I was the only one who hadn't yet climaxed, and I was so hot and horny that I didn't waste a moment. I needed the release, and I needed it fast. I lay back on the bed, opened my legs, and told Jack to get busy eating me out whilst ordering Linda to straddle my face. She grabbed the headboard and knelt over me as I devoured her, giving Jack a nice view of her bottom as he got to work lapping me up. I came twice before I got Linda back to another climax of her own. After that, we all lay down for a much-needed breather.

That was, hands down, the single hottest thing I've ever done. And I would happily do it all again.

The future

The reason I'm sharing all this, aside from how unbelievably hot it gets me, is to express how things have happened with both Jack and Linda that I hadn't bargained for -- and this was perhaps the prime example. 

After that spicy get-together, Linda and I agreed to do more things together outside of the context of our dom-sub relationship. We've gone out for dinner together, gone out biking and to the beach, sat around and played games and watched Seahawks games, even shot some pool. We've also gone on to enjoy some more intimate moments, woman to woman, that left the proverbial whips and chains outside the bedroom -- same as Jack and I have done when we've gone on our dates and ended the night with some beautiful, loving sex. And whilst I have no regrets, doing so has complicated matters in each relationship. 

What I mean is that Linda and I have developed very strong feelings for each other that we hadn't bargained for, and the same goes for Jack and me. 

With Linda, in fact, there are many parallels to my relationship with Jack and the unexpected turns it's taken, the point where I wonder how people in the BDSM scene keep themselves from falling in love with their partners and keeping things "professional," so to speak. I feel I'm failing spectacularly at it in both cases, because I do love Jack and Linda, and I make no qualms about it. 

I think my relationship with Jack is the simpler and less complicated of the two: When it gets down to it, we enjoy each other's company. We're hot for each other, and we unsurprisingly share similar thoughts on sex and the place of priority it takes in each of our lives. We're good for each other, I think. And I like him as a man and as a person, entirely separate from what he can do for me in the bedroom. We get along well. We enjoy similar things. And I think that's new to him in a relationship with a woman. 

He's spent most of his adult life framing his female relationships around exerting power over them. He finds women who like that dynamic, because he likes it. It makes him feel virile and in control. And that's why it was so very difficult for him to beg me to let him cum that first day we got it on. I pulled the rug out from under him at an extremely vulnerable moment. I forced him to loosen his grip on the situation and give up control, however briefly. But rather than get angry about it, he surprised himself by getting turned on by it. And that's given us a push and pull to our relationship that he didn't expect. In some respects, I think it fascinates him, and I know he wants to see where this dynamic might lead. 

The thing he had to come to terms with most, I believe, is that I'm not Gina, who thrived on being his submissive brat. I do think it surprised him that I came to him with a different mindset. He was expecting more of her, and he got me instead. And I've forced him to reassess some things that he'd taken for granted in his romantic dealings with women. I know that he respects me. He's very good to me, in fact. What I'm still unsure of is whether he'll still feel the same when I no longer have my "rockin' yoga bod," as he likes to call it. What happens when I grow some gray hair and wrinkles? What if I put on a few pounds? Would I get traded in for a younger model? That happens to a lot of women. 

For my part, I do love him, and I'd love him even if he was older, grayer, and pudgier. I still need to figure out if that goes both ways. 

In some ways it doesn't matter, as I'm already with the woman who I know will always love me no matter what, no exceptions, no conditions. But it just makes me wonder how deeply his attraction for me truly goes. For now, I'm just enjoying the ride whilst it lasts.    

In Linda's case, I'm being reminded of why I'll probably always think of myself as a lesbian first: I simply feel a deeper connection to her than I do to Jack. Not a better connection; just a deeper one. It's difficult to put into words, but there's a reason I spent most of my life exclusively lesbian. I always felt emotionally and spiritually attuned to, and physically aroused by, other women in a way that I never did with men. Until the past few years, I didn't even find men sexually desirable. I don't know what changed with regard to my love of men. I still don't know why I got such a strong urge to suck Tim's cock on his birthday. But I did, and now here I am. I have no regrets, but I do have questions -- questions that only I can ultimately answer. 

Complicating matters further is that Linda is just such an amazing person in so many ways. She's beautiful and funny and very easily makes me laugh. She can have a bit of an acerbic, sarcastic edge that I find quite endearing. And she's so passionate about so many things in her life -- and I'm happy to say that I've become one of them. We've actually become very important parts of each other's lives. As I've touched on, we've developed a deep friendship outside the bedroom. We talk about all manner of subjects, from politics to religion to sport, and I find myself in agreement with her on most current events -- more so than I even see eye to eye with my dear Cathy, as prevailing ideologies have turned me in a more conservative direction in recent years, especially with regard to women's and lesbians' rights. 

I feel as if I've known Linda all my life. She feels strangely like a soulmate. And I'm not certain what to think about that or what to do with it. All I've told Linda is that I won't do anything to jeopardise her marriage. Her kids need their mum. That's where I draw the line. And of course, I have no intention of leaving Cathy.  

Feelings are funny and unpredictable things, aren't they?

I hope you all have a lovely Christmas and a happy 2024. Cheers.